Punahou '59

Humor from our Classmates

Group I


One small step for man,,, one large step for Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual
com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some new Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When Neil was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Sex! You want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

We all hope Mr. Gorsky was able to indulge his passion at least once before he passed on.


 

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

The Reply:
----------
Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad


A Feeble Excuse

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead.

Their biggest exam was on Wednesday. They showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving at class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.

As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.

"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."


 

Some indications you (guys) might be getting along in age......

- You can live without sex at least once each week but not without your glasses.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You no longer try to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

- You hum along with the elevator music.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

- You answer a question with, "Because I said so"

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word "equity" means.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel.

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.


 

The "Far Right" Meets the "Far Left"

Pat Buchanan was duck hunting recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. An old farmer (a proud WW II veteran, an ardent supporter of NOW along with his African American wife, and whose lovely daughter had just married a wonderful man of Jewish origin and whose son was living a fulfilled life with his long time male companion and partner) suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Buchanan what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now its mine," replied the farmer.

Mr. Buchanan asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care." "I am Pat Buchanan, famous political hack and spokesperson of the Far Right in this country", came the reply. "I am running for President of the United States. I am an isolationist, against open immigration, and believe gays and lesbians, Jews and Blacks are at the source of most of the evil in our country. And if you don't let me get that duck, I will sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you and your family penniless."

"Well," said the farmer, "In these parts the only law we go by is the kicks law." "Never heard of it," said Pat. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours."

Buchanan thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood, had a reputation for being an outspoken zealot, and figured he could easily take this fragile old geezer of a farmer. "Fair enough," he said.

So the farmer kicked Pat violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Pat slowly staggered back to his feet. "Alright old geezer, now it's my turn," said Pat with fury in his voice.

"Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."


 

Kermit 

Kermit goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. Kermit says $30,000. The teller asks his full name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as co-lateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?

"So the bank manager looks back at her and says....

(ARE you READY FOR THIS?)

( I MEAN REALLY READY?)

(OK, you are warned!)

" It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone. "

Altogether now! "Boooooooooooooo... - Hissssssssssssssssss......


On Leadership

"You must tell me about the large group of people who just came through here......

How many were there?

From which direction did they come?

How long ago did they leave?

In which direction did they go?

How fast were they moving?

I must know these things.

I am their Leader."


Whoops!

It's Saturday morning. Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.


"Hello" Says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."


After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy and the door is closed."
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house and I have a gun."
"Okay, Daddy!"


A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"


"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now she's dead."
"Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?"


"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's dead too."


There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"


"Steady as SHE/HE Goes"

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female "Steady as SHE goes." "SHE'S listing to starboard, Captain!"

Recently a group of computer scientists - all males - announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

 

FIVE REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term permanent memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists - all female - think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

FIVE REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE MALE

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model at a lower cost.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

 


 

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT......

1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

14. Women would rule the world.


  "Love At First Sight"

"A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches up and snatches it out of the air and carefully hands it back to her.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry," the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come home with her and stay over for breakfast the next morning.

When he gets up the next morning after a fabulous night of non-stop love making, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies.........

(Wait for it....)

(It 's coming.............)

(The suspense must be killing you ........)

(Get ready........) . . . . . . . . .

"You just happened to catch my eye."


Ready for another??? Here goes.

"An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with 12" spiked hair and rings dangling from his nose, ears, eyelids and lips came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair and eyebrows were yellow and green and orange and purple. He had makeup around his eyes.

The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter old fart? Haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just sitting here wondering if you were my son."

 


"The Pretzel"

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian Petrovsky or the American for the gold medal in the heavy weight division.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian Petrovsky. He's never lost a match because of this killer "Pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening and then lunged at each other. It was a vicious match, and the American was giving the Russian Petrovsky all he could handle. And the American had been able to avoid the killer vicious Pretzel hold. The point count was dead even through the first two periods. And with only 30 seconds left the Russian was exhausted and in serious trouble. He was not used to his opponents avoiding his vicious Pretzel hold and he always won his matches early in the first round.

All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a piercing screem followed by a huge roar from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to see the huge Russian Petrovsky flying through the air. The Russian's head hit the mat with a sickening thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match at the bell.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever break that killer Pretzel hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I opened my mouth and chomped down on those babies just as hard as I could."

"Good work!" the trainer exclaimed, "That finished him off did it?"

"No!" said the wrestler,,,,"but you'd be amazed at the burst of strength you get when you bite down hard on your own testicles!"

 


"Fix It Yourself"

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now" . He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so".

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." to which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar."

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. 'Honey, how'd all this get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake. "

He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"


Another Golf Joke:

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Fred was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot and then addressing the ball, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the Men's tee". Fred kept addressing his ball, ignoring and seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again came the announcement, only much louder and more curt this time. "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee right now".

Fred had had enough. He breaks his stance, lowers his driver back to the ground and shouts, "Would the asshole in the clubhouse with the loudspeaker kindly shut up so I can play my second shot."


What Do Bears Do in the Woods?

Two amateur hikers are in the woods. After a morning walk, they head back to camp together. As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise... and look up to see a ferocious grizzly bear charging full speed down the hillside, right toward them.

Immediately, they both realize that they are the bear's intended targets.


One of the hikers takes off his pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his heavy hiking boots to a pair of running shoes.

Bewildered, the other hiker asks, "Why are you changing into those sneakers? You know as well as I do that no human being can outrun a grizzly bear!"

"I don't have to outrun the bear," says the other hiker, "I just have to outrun you."


Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stars, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven; there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of
heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those, " she said, "they're for the funeral."


Oops #2


"An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the following day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written
her E-mail address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed, instead, to an elderly rector's wife whose husband had just died the day before. When the grieving widow checked her E-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

" DEAREST WIFE.

JUST GOT CHECKED IN.

EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE."


 "A Whale of a Tale"

This joke originated "somewhere on the Big Island" by someone with a big imagination and considerable creativity but obviously not enough to do. Warning... this is X rated. You might wish to not read this joke and just stop here.....

OK! But we warned you. Here goes...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job thing, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen. "

Uggghh! Euuuuhhh! Well, we warned you.


Three Wishes:

"Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes. "The woman freed the frog and the frog said "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said "That would be okay" and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him". The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said "That will be okay, because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So poof - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered

"I'd like a mild heart attack."


An old Chinese proverb...

"It take many nails to build a crib but a single screw to fill it."


Another "Lawyer" Joke

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


Monica Who?

A young gay Jewish man calls home and tells his mother that he is no longer gay. He has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his former gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish? "He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a very wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"

"Monica Lewinsky. "There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What ever happened to that nice Italian boy you were dating last year?"


 A Trained Killer

One Day a Special Forces "Green Beret" Master Sergeant, dressed to kill with his Rolex watch, large silver SF ring, long knife hid in his waistband, Ray-Ban sunglasses, long mustache and hair all blow dried, went to a coffee bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his Latte Grande with an extra shot of espresso and Hazelnut, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her Cappuccino she turned to the warrior and asked him if he was a real "Green Beret" ? "Well, I have spent my whole life overseas teaching foreign soldiers to conduct successful coups, guarded refugees and handed out MREs and water, baby-sat former warring factions while monitoring the Dayton Peace Accord, lied about my rank so I would be able to talk to the people I was supposed to be advising, been to every coffee bar between here and Timbuktu...yea, I guess I am a Green Beret," replied the old NCO.

After a short while he asked her what she was. "I've never been around the world or on a range or dealt with refugees or even know what an MRE is, so I guess I'm not a "Green Beret" said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I getup in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the SF soldier ordered another cup-o-jo. Soon, another young lady sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real Green Beret?" The old warrior responded, "Hell, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."


"I heard it before but it is still funny...."

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the jar open!"

Gotcha!


 

"The Bellringer",

After Quasimodo passed away, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings abell."

(but WAIT, there's MORE...)

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "

I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."


 

A Lesson In Logic

Manny & Kalani weren't going anywhere in life. They decided they should go to college to get ahead. Manny visited a counselor who suggested he take math, history, and logic. "Wat dat, logic?" asked Manny.

"Let me give you an example, "answered the counselor. "Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah, I get one, why?" responded Manny. "Then I can assume, applying logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor. "Das good, I do," Manny responded in awe. The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, Manny shouted, "AMAZIN'!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Matilda Lokelani, yes sir, das my wife! dis is unbelievable!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor. "I am, you absolutely right, I like girls betta den boys! Why, dis da most amasinatin' ting I ever hear of. I can't wait to take dis logic class! "

Manny, proud of himself and excited by the new world opening up to him, walked out of the counselor's office where Kalani was waiting for his session. "So, what classes are you going take'?" Kalani asked. "Math, history and logic," replied Manny. "What da frick is logic?" asked Kalani. "Let me give you one example: You own one weed eater?"

"NO," was the reply. "Wow, Bruddah....I neva know you was gay?


What If's:

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G. Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.


 

"Take It All Off"

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed. The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do. "He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take off all your clothes."


"The Birds 'n Bees"

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to believe in!"


"Thank you George Carlin!"

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible,
does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts,"
and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
It's just stale bread to begin with.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia,
would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked
and dry cleaners depressed?


 

The Offering

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most, would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her wayto the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take Him and Him and Him."


 
A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time.

They get to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter greets them.

He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true, guaranteed."

The priest says, "Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!"

St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door.

There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers.
There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?"

St. Peter just laughs and says "The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!"


 More Humor from George Carlin:

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping up?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?


Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them

 


Another stupid parrot joke

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"


"A Worm a Day..."

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."


A Religious Joke

A Jewish father was concerned that his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.

A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity." "Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advise and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?" Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. "I, too, sent My Son to Israel....."


Three Wise Women

You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don't you?

They would have:

Asked for directions,

Arrived on time,

Helped deliver the Baby,

Cleaned the stable,

Made a casserole,

And given practical gifts.


Walk, Don't Run:

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster. SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me. SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could. SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me. SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And you thought it was dirty... Shame on you!


"Chutzpah!"

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and throws up all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"



Another "Guy" Joke
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what his new baby could do when he saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork. Give me one good reason why I should not ticket you for speeding."

The guy says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you guys were trying to give her back!"


"FOR SALE BY OWNER


Hey White fellas,

There are a couple of things you should know.

When I'm born, I'm black. When I grow up, I'm black. When I go in the sun, I'm black. When I'm cold, I'm black. When I'm scared, I'm black. And when I die, I'm still black.

But you
White folks,,,,

When you're born, you're
pink. When you grow up, you're white. When you go in the sun, you're red. When you're cold, you're blue. When you're scared, you're yellow. When you're sick, you're green. And when you die, you're gray.

You have some nerve calling me "C
OLORED".


"Only in America"

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.


2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.


3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.


4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large order of fries and a DIET COKE.


5. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage.


6. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.


7. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


8. Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."


9. Only in America do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


 

"Chutzpah #2"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to this good looking girl and starts looking at his watch. The girl notices this and asks him if his date is late.

"No", he replies, "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I was just about to test it."

"What does it do?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

"Ha! Well it must be broken then because I am!"

"Oops. Its an hour fast. I forgot to reset it for Daylight Standard time this morning".

 


"Cat Heaven"

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "You have lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later a whole entire field of mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could ever have expected.

And those "Meals On Wheels" you've been sending by are theeeeeeeeee best!!!"


 A CHRISTMAS STORY

"HOW THE CHRISTMAS ANGEL TRADITION CAME TO BE"....

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right! Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree. I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of Angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.....


  

Please send us another joke or two.

You can Email them directly to: jon_larson@hotmail.com